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LEFTOVER Latecomer
the underreported story of china's married mothers
The international women’s press are quick to comment on the central government’s handling of the “leftover women” label in China, but not so many commentators seem to give voice to the issues faced by China’s post-marriage mothers. Alongside a rising number of “leftover women” are a generation of married mothers, seeking to reassert their independent selves, and rediscover their own increible strengths.
Beyond the Leftover Women Archetype
May 25, 2016
And this where some Chinese women are stepping away from the rose-tinted recesses of life as a housewife, and are throwing themselves headlong into finding love, launching a career and discovering themselves for the first time. A new generation of Chinese women have started living the ups and downs of the globally-growing “strong independent woman” archetype — both during and after marriage!
As a natural side-effect of such an extreme archetype, these women must faced down both outside opposition, and their own crippling insecurities, in order to succeed in the rapidly evolving world of Chinese business.
A perfect example of the inner turmoil facing the new generation of Chinese power women, is Ming.*
At the time of writing, Ming was nervous but incredibly excited about sharing her story, her ideas and her hopes. In her mid-thirties, Ming looks much younger. A body kept trim by tai ji belies the fact that she is has been a mother for nearly ten years. Adding yet more mystery to the question of age, is her charming and girlish manner. Continually flicking her hair, or casting her eyes down as she giggles, Ming could easily pass for a young graduate enjoying her first taste of independence.
With big, baleful eyes, Ming began to tell me the story of how she met her husband. Both from financially and politically wealthy families, they were young, naïve, and filled with a sense of filial loyalty that superseded their own ambitions, Ming and her husband were childhood companions before their families brought them together as lovers. The marriage was not arranged as such, but always implied, throughout their first dates and the early stages of a blossoming affection.
It was not until five years later, that Ming stopped, looked and blinked herself awake from the dream life she had been living.
Under the twin pressures of familial and societal force, many Chinese women find themselves walking down the aisle, away from their apparently over-ambitious attempts at independence.
Fulfilling promises to parents and a political system intent on enforcing “social stability” at all levels, from the family to the foot soldier, such women avoid the “leftover” label in favour of marital bliss and one, quickly-conceived baby boy or girl.
Initially, the move seems a good one. The would-be career woman wallows in the self-contented warmth of pregnancy, and the joys of a newborn baby. Months melt into years, first steps become first words, tumbling from the mouth of the centre of her universe.
The would-be career woman, her university degrees hanging beside her husbands on the wall of their marital home (signed in his name, most likely), genuinely shares in her family’s satisfaction, the happiness of a reenforced and restrengthened social order.
First steps, first words, the first day of school.
And suddenly, the mother’s idle mind is left to wander. And wonder.
Ming developed an ironic sense of humour, playing into the charming, effeminate and beautifully coy role which came naturally to a woman so recently-released from a restrictive post-marital world. And she was loved for it.
Quick to laugh, and quick to love, Ming soon became the centre of a vastly diverse social network, with friends from all over the world waiting and watching her movements, emotionally invested in her hilarious exploits. As her social circle became more internationalised, Ming began to attract more than just friendships.
It wasn’t that her husband didn’t love her, or that she wasn’t fond of him. After their son was born, it wasn’t even a matter of a crushing establishment oppressing and depressing her existence. At the base of the matter rests the very human desire to achieve self-actualisation, to receive recognition for feats met and deeds done.
At this time, Ming became a borderline-bachelorette, single in every sense of the word except the literal. In doing so, she exposed herself to the highs and lows of single life, the insecurity and sleepless nights, breakups and breakdowns. With startling tenacity, Ming pushed herself into new experiences and relationships in the same way a business leader launches a new product: adapting and learning, testing and trying.
In some weeks, she would be out every night, living and loving and learning. In the confines of the Chinese business world, her ability to drink like a man became a selling point for her success.
But success is often served with a side of loneliness, and wealth with a portion of emptiness.
Friends became faces with names, clients could become crude and demanding, and all the while her family seemed incredibly far away. Ming had traded comfort for creativity, and frivolity for a solitary life. And not necessarily in that order.
Wanting to return to her son’s life, plan his future, encourage his own creative rebellion, Ming found herself blocked by her mother’s controlling hand. Though her husband would support her and longed to reform their broken marriage, she no longer felt the need for his constance and reassurance. There was something she needed, but neither she nor society could fully articulate what that might be.
Among China’s emerging upper-middle classes, the first decade of a woman’s life is strictly and painfully mapped out. Graduate from school, get into a top university at home or abroad, meet an equally well-bred and educated man, marry said well-bred and educated man, make a baby, enjoy being a good wife and wise mother.
(Note: If you don’t meet said well-bred and educated man at university, the assumption is that you go into work with the sole purpose of locating your well-bred and educated man.)
In the same way as post-institutionalised individuals struggle with a sudden release from the ritual and habit of incarceration, it can be difficult to assert one’s independence or build a fulfilling life after years of heavy familial and political interference.
After years of being crushed by propaganda, pushed by family and hassled by seemingly successful married peers, the sudden release can be utterly disorienting.
Ming’s story is far more complicated than I have been able to discuss here, and her achievements far more impressive when all is taken into account. Throughout every challenge, and every obstacle, she remains beautifully light-hearted. Even in her darkest moments, she is more likely to discuss how grateful and how lucky she is to have such a colourful and vibrant life. What she doesn’t seem to realise is that her “luck” can be directly attributed to her own stoic strength of character.
Note: *Name changed, and some small life details tweaked to avoid identification; this is a very brief introduction to the life of a woman far more complicated than words could fully express. I only hope that I have done her justice.
I remember I was standing outside the gates of my son’s school, waiting with the other mothers and nannies. It was as if I blinked, and suddenly saw everyone as they really were. The women talking about the same thing again and again, having the same conversations for five years. It was like were frozen in time, young but already so old. Women with broad smiles on their faces, and nothing but silence in their eyes.
With nothing other than her own ambition fuelling her, Ming stepped outside the sugar-coated walls of her married life; she moved into her own home, a home owned in her name, she started again.
Suddenly the freedom was absolute.
Alone but alive, Ming established herself as a keystone in a rapidly-growing company with a broad global footprint. The work brought her into contact with an entire catalogue of new and novel people, from Middle Eastern traders to American teachers; her social circle deepened and widened, and she became gradually aware of how attractive her newly-established, easy-going persona could be.
Suddenly, she became aware of how attractive she could be.
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